The Hardest Decision I Ever Made

In August of 1982 I placed my birthson in the arms of another family, trusting that they would raise him with love and good morals. As I placed my son into his new mothers arms I looked at both the mother and father and I said, love him. I then walked away and got into the car with my mom and cried, wondering if I would ever see him again. Over the years I thought of him often, wondering what his life was like, if he was happy, if he had everything that he needed, did he feel loved, how it was affecting him knowing that I had placed him up for adoption. If I had it over to do again would I, knowing what I know now, no I wouldn't I would raise him myself. It was good for him but it has been really hard on me. I wish I could of shared the love I have for him with him. I know that it was the right decision at the time, but you don't realize how it is going to affect you for the rest of your life.

I have been blessed to have made contact with my birthson whose name is Russ and we have communicated through email, FB and Myspace, but that is only two dimensional and I desire a three dimensional relationship, but he isn't ready and I accept that. He is pro adoption now because he realizes that I chose life for him. He has had a good life with bumps in the road like the rest of us, when I saw a picture of him for the first time I couldn't believe how much he looks like me.

Even though I didn't raise him, I miss him and I think only a mother who has placed a child up for adoption can understand exactly what I mean. I am so thankful to know that he is happy and healthy and is having a good life. Do I agree with everything in his life, no, but he is an adult and has the right to choose and I do need to respect that.

I believe that adoption is hard, but it is the best thing that you can do for a life growing inside of you instead of ending that life. I am glad that I gave Russ the chance to live and love life.

I don't think I will ever make a decision that is any harder than chooing to allow someone else to raise my child.