Storms

We live in an area where spring storms are prevelant and today is know exception, we have storms moving into the area. With spring storms there is always a chance of hail, golf ball size to baseball size, strong winds and tornado's. I have only been through an actual tornado when I was a child, I have been around them, had friends lose material things, we have helped clean up after a tornado, but thankfully I have never lost anyone in a tornado. I love the smell of rain and the sounds of storms but I hate the devistation that is caused by storms. I love the rainbows that come after the storms reminding us of the promise that God gave to us. The sound of rain is very relaxing, I love to sleep when it is raining, it is harder to sleep when it is storming, especially if the wind is blowing things around outside, thankfully we have a basement and when there are warnings that is where you will find us, watching TV, sleeping or playing a game, doing things to take our minds off of the storm. I do hate driving in storms and I may have to today, especially since we have family coming for dinner. I wish the storms would go around us.

Communication

I have been sitting here studying for my final in Communication. I wonder how many of us ever really think about how many different ways we communicate and in those ways how many different ways we accent our communication. We communicate verbally and non-verbally, using our body language, our eyes, vocal tones, distance and more. With our communication we show love and understanding, we can intimidate others, we can share stories, as well as our hopes and dreams. Through communication we can educate others and we can bring healing into others lives.

It is through communication that I am sitting here writing this blog and learning more about communication with every word that I am typing. It is through communication that we teach our children.

As I was writing my notes on communication I realize that there are dimensions in communicating. Writing can be 2-3 dimensional depending on the description within the writing, but communicating with someone via a chat room or email that is 2 dimensional and is missing something. Voice inflection and body language is important in communication, it is important to hear the tone and to see the sincerity in the eyes of the ones communicating.

It is through communicating that we often miss communicate or we miss understand what the other person is trying to say, or they say something and we think they mean something else. Communication is a tricky business, but it is awesome.

I communicate with my granddaughter everyday and she says more with her smiles and her laughs than a lot of adults do with their many words.

Communication is really a great gift to all of us, where would we be without it.

Can't Sleep

Ever had one of those nights when you just couldn't sleep, even when you knew you had an early morning. This is the second one for me this week. I couldn't sleep Sunday night because my mind was to busy preparing my cooking final in my head and I was shaking off all the negative thoughts that were trying to invade my brain. Tonight I can't sleep for a few reasons. Tomorrow I have my baking final plus a quiz. I checked my English grade and there are two assignments that I did and turned in that my instructor didn't give me credit for which has lowered my grade and I have emailed her but haven't heard back, so that is adding stress to an already stressful time of finals. My communication final is going to be a bear, I studied for four hours tonight and still have 14 chapters to go. Then to top all of it off my legs decided to start jerking as I was trying to sleep, so here I sit at my computer hoping that I can relax enough to go back in my room lay down and get a few hours sleep before I have to get up. At least with missing out on my sleep on Sunday I got an A on my cooking final, so missing sleep was worth it. Hopefully tomorrow I will get my English grade straightened out and over the week-end I will finsh preparing for my other finals. Oh and I still have a speech to do, I am hoping to get that done this week-end as well. I am ready for summer break. I have enjoyed this semester, but I am ready to give my brain a break, start my new job and then start back at school in the fall. I am really looking forward to the classes I am taking in the fall and I am sure that I will miss out on more sleep, but I have a goal and I am moving towards it. Sleep, Sleep, or how I am ready for sleep. Good night all!!!

Preparing

There are many ways in which to think about the word preparing. We prepare for our day, we prepare for a presentation, we prepare our food and for me I am preparing for my finals. I can't believe this semester is almost over. This week-end my daughter and I prepared for our cooking final which is at 8 am tomorrow morning. We practiced filleting fish, different sauces and such. When we were done the kitchen was a mess, it was to small an area for all that was going on but we managed and cleaned it up. Our husbands enjoyed dinner very much, cleaning their plates.

Today, I prepared everything that I want to take with me in the morning, certain spices, shallots, garlic and more. I pressed my uniform and packed my knives. I made out my lists, so I am as ready as I can be for my final.

I am preparing for my other finals as well by studying. I have loved this semester but now I am preparing to enjoy my summer break, although I will be working, that has rewards all in its own.

I think for tonight this is all I have to say on this subject.

Playing Washer and Arguing

This is a story I put together in Comp. class off of two index cards.

My husband and I were out on the lawn playing washers and I was winning of course. We were discussing many topics and the afternoon was going along swimmingly until the topic of people at the age of 50 or older having to take a drivers liscense retest. My husband who is not yet 50 started laughing hysterically saying why of course if your over 50 you should have to retake your test and I yelled at him saying that is absurd, (throwing a washer and overthrowing it) I can drive perfectly fine and I am over 50. He begin saying stupid things like: when you get older your reflexes slow down, your eye site isn’t as good and you know your memory begins to go too (throwing his washer and it landing in the box. I came back at him rather loudly that I agreed that those things happened with people over the age of 65 (throwing another washer and over shooting it once again), but it would be ludicris to test everyone at the age of 50 because most of us are just beginning to live, applying all the things that we have been learning in life and look at this age I am helping teach our son how to drive, especially off of the grass. He continues to laugh and throws another washer, hitting the mark). Now keep in mind that will we are arguing the game continues on and I keep missing which is making me all the madder, I am getting louder and more frustrated, so my husband is having a great laugh at my expense. Then he comes up with this hair brained idea for me to take the test to prove my point and yes you know I am all about that, so we agree that the following Friday I would take the test and you know I will pass, (we are betting a steak dinner on this one) because at 50 there is no reason that you are not still capable of driving. We continued to play washers and he won the game, but the war is far from over.

26th Anniversary

Today my husband and I are celebrating our 26th wedding anniversary. In the years that we have been together we have overcome many obstacles and I can truthfully say that we are more in love today than the day we got married. We have learned to celebrate life together and to enjoy those special moments in life, like: the birth of our children, their first words, first steps, their first day of school, our daughters weddings, the birth of our granddaughter, buying our first home, and there are so many other memories that I could share here but it would take pages and pages. There were times in our marriage that I wouldn't have wished it upon anyone, it was those days of growing, struggling and changing and now I hope that others have a wonderful marriage like I do, this marriage I would wish upon others. Today I woke up to this card:

For My Wife
Anywhere with you is my favorite place to be...
I love the closeness we share-
and all the ways you keep me falling more and more in love with you...
I love sharing everything with you-
my partner, my friend, the one who means everything to me.
Happy Anniversary

(These first 26 years have only been the beginning of what we have. I'm so excited for the next 26)
What wife's heart wouldn't melt with that!!!!!!!!!!

I have a husband that continues to grow and change, one that works hard to provide for his family. One that will admit mistakes. We laugh together, we've cried together, but mostly we live life together. We have lived our wedding vows and it hasn't always been easy, but it sure has been worth it.

My Tatoo

This is my first and only tattoo (for now). This tattoo has a lot of meaning for me. The rose symbolizes Christ to me, who is the center of my life, without Him I would not be where I am today, nor would I be who I am today. The banner with the name Randy is for my wonderful husband and the pink ribbon of course stands for finding a cure for breast cancer. So when you put them all together it comes to this: 2 1/2 years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer and instead of my world crashing in on me, I grabbed hold of my faith (in Christ) and began the journey of healing. I prayed and I stood and I had surgery. My husband was with me through every doctors appointment, biopsies, surgeries and recovery. He was with me as we prayed and believed. He was with me when I would break down and cry and He was with me when they told us that I didn't have caner anymore and Christ was with us every step of the way. My tattoo is my way of saying thank you to Christ and to my husband, the ribbon is to remind me what I am saying thank you for. Every time I see it I remember the journey, but mostly I remember the victory. I am blessed, not perfect, but blessed. After this journey through cancer my husband and I are so much closer and we were close before. We appreciate the little things about each other, do we still argue, of course, it's fun to make up. We remember that life could come to an end with one diagnoses so we appreciate every moment that we have together and Tuesday we will be celebrating 26 years together. I know that many women are not as fortunate as I am, that they not only lose their health but their husbands as well, so I am always thankful for all that I have been blessed with.

Dog or Cats

Dogs are the best, I have 2 of them. Sophie is 2 and 1/2 pound Teacup Yorkie and Chief is an 85-90 pound German Shepherd. They are the best. I keep a Sophie's hair up in a ponytail. My granddaughter Zoey loves Chief, every time she comes upstairs she has to see Chief, she wants to see Chief while she is eating. She comes to have us pick her up just so that she can see Chief and Chief comes to the fence so that Zoey can see him.

Zoey is real gentle with Sophie and they chase each other around the living room, it is hilarious. Sophie of course is a lap dog, she wants to be with her people all the time. She thinks anyone that comes over to our home comes to see her and she will do whatever she can to get their attention.
I have a pink purse to carry Sophie around in, the only problem is that she gets car sick really easily and I have to give her dogie Dramamine if I want to take her with me, unless we go in our friend RV and then she is fine. She loves other dogs we just have to be careful because if they step on her that would be the end of her.

My husband wants a Harley and right now we are working towards one, so in the meantime I went and bought Sophie along with a T-shirt for dogs that said Harley Davidson on it, I put it on her and when my husband came home I handed Sophie to him and said here honey here is your Harley, of course we had a good laugh.

I so prefer Dogs over cats, I don't want an animal that uses a litter box and then jumps up on the table I eat our meals on or the cabinets that I prepare food on, even though I have disinfected them I still don't like the idea. Our dogs bring much joy to our family and I wouldn't want to be without one. I wish Sophie didn't get sick because I would love to take her with me all the time. I could even bring her to class and no one would know that I had her with me because she is so quiet. I will have to add pictures of my dogs to this Blog.

Friends

Have you ever thought about the fact that your friends are the family that you get to chose. Many of us have so called family out there that don't even really know us, but then want to tell us what to do or judge what we are doing just because we are related by blood. Our friends however are those that take the time to get to know us, who share in our ups and our downs, who will take the time to pour into our lives and allow us to pour into theirs.

I am truly blessed to have friends that take the time to build a meaningful relationship with me, their are those who have been with me through some major struggles in my life, breast cancer being one of them (I had family who never even called to talk to me, with the lame excuse they didn't want to bother me) and those same friends are cheering me on as I am going to college at age 50 (while some of my family just wants to give me crap because I got a grant).

These friends of mine have loved me even when I have made mistakes, but so called family have sat back in judgement. I say shame on them. As you can tell I am still working through some of my feelings about some of my family, it is safe to say that I am truly pissed off at some of them. It would be nice if that could just be happy for us, because we have a full and meaningful life, but all of this is part of life, so you just have to decide how you are going to respond to it, at times it is like the grieving process and there are stages that you have to go through and right now I am in a little bit of a rough stage with some of it because of some recent events, so what I have to say is this, thank God for true friends. Thank God for those who will pick up the phone and call and say ok what is going on, because they have noticed that you have retreated or they will call and say let do lunch or some such thing, that means alot. Now don't get me wrong I have some family that does that too ( I won't say who because I don't want to hurt anyones feelings).

My friends know who they are and I just want to say to them Thank You and I love you and I can't wait to see where the next leg of our journey takes us.

Dear Shane

My dearest brother,

I can't believe that you have been gone since 1986. I still remember you like yesterday, your sense of humor, how you looked, but I can't remember your voice or your laugh, which makes me sad. I remember the ride I took in your MG and on some of your motorcycles, but not the one that took you from us. I wish you would have been here to meet my other children, however I did name my middle daughter after you, she has your sense of humor. You would be proud of how my life has turned around. I finished High School, I have been clean for 25 years and I am in college with my daughter who is named after you. Hopefully when I get to heaven I will be able to share these things with you. Bubba I am getting ready to celebrate my 26th wedding anniversary. So much has happened in my life since you were taken from us that I wish I could share with you. I don't walk around grieving but there are day when I still miss you so very much. God has been really good to me and my life is full, I just wish you were here to share it with. I still think of you as my big little brother because of all the times that you were there for me. I fought cancer and won, I fought addiction and won, and today as I am sitting here writing this to you I am healthy, healed and whole. I hope that you know this. It is hard for me to know what you are allowed to know up there in heaven or even if it matters. At least I know my 2 children that are in heaven as well are with God and you, I can't wait to meet them. I have been in contact with my birthson and hopefully someday you will get to meet him to, depends on the road that his life takes. We have a beautiful granddaughter that you would adore. I have been in touch with Donna and she has turned into a fine young woman, you would still love her, she has remarried and is happy, so I know that you would be happy for her. Our sister is still a mess but hopefully she will get herself straightened out soon, she is on her way, at least I think so. Well bud I miss you and I love you and I look forward to seeing you again.

The Pool

I spend as much time as possible out at our pool in the summer. I read, I journal and I reflect as I lay out in the pool. When I was a Youth Pastor I use to get some of my best words for the youth when I was our at the pool. We try and have BBQ's during the summer, swim and just build relationships, of course as our kids were growing up the neighborhood kids knew where the pool was and of course we shared. I will lay in the pool and look up at the sky and try to imagine what God was thinking when He created this earth, and how He created the sun to feel as warm as it does upon our bodies and to kiss it ever so genly with just the right amount of color. I look up at the clouds to see what shapes that I can find in them. Over the years I have discovered that my pool is the best prayer closet that I have. I know that God is everywhere but I feel closer to Him when I am outside. This year it will be really special because our granddaughter is old enough to really have fun in it and we have some special floaties for her. I love being ourside in the pool, I gues that is why in the summer I get up early even if I don't have to so that I can get my housework done and what ever else needs to be done so that I can go outside. I love to sit outside on the deck and have my coffee in the mornings and if it is warm enough I will stick my feet into the pool and just enjoy the morning. I am choosing to take this summer off from school so that I can enjoy the pool, because once I finish school and open our business we will be busy for many hours a day, so I will enjoy while I can.

The Ocean

One of my favorite places to be is on the beach. I love the sound of the ocean and looking out upon its vastness. I can hear the power that is within the waves as they come rolling in and there is no sound as beautiful to me as the sound of the ocean. I love looking out and the ocean seems as though it goes on forever.

I can spend hours just looking out on the ocean. I love to just lay on the beach, read a book and enjoy the sounds and the smell. My husband and I love to take long walks on the beach, I guess at some point we should move somewhere there is a beach. Watching a sunset on the beach is spectacular. We try and go to the beach once a year.

Sunday Breakfast

We have chosen not to go to organized church anymore so we go to breakfast with a group of friends and work on building our relationships, this includes our relationship with God, because He is invited to be in the center of all that we do. Our favorite place to go is a little restaurant downtown called "lilly's". The have a breakfast special every Sunday and they have some great Mexican dishes for breakfast as well. We are usually there for a couple of hours and we either go through a few pots of coffee or a few pitchers of tea, depending on the weather. We love the atmosphere there and we can sit outside in the spring and summer months. We went to Lilly's this morning and I had one of the Mexican dishes called, "Chichilles"(I know that isn't spelled right) needless to say it taste better than my spelling. We took our granddaughter Zoey with us and of course she was entertaining us all, my mom joined us too and that was nice. Going to Sunday Breakfast with our friends is a great way to start the day and one of the best things about this is that we are all ourselves, we are sharing our lives, who we really are, the good, the bad and all the inbetween. It made it much easier to come home and finish the mountain of homework that I have. Believe it or not I only have to finish this blog and to study for a test and I am done for the day. Well I guess this is really all I have to say on this subject so until later.

Weekends

Weekends don't really exist for me right now, relaxing ones anyway. With all the homework that I have, plus cleaning house, doing laundry and trying to spend time with my husband and my children I can't seem to find to much time just to relax. It is now almost 3pm on Saturday and this is the first time that I have sat down since I got up this morning at 7:30. House is cleaned, laundry is going, grocery shopping is done and here I sit writing this blog which is part of my homework this weekend. I still have math to do and study for a pretty big test on Monday and oh yes I don't want to forget that I have Human Communication yet to do. I feel a little spent, but I only have a few more weeks and then I am taking the summer off, although I am going to look for a job in a restaurant, but hopefully only part time, I still want to have some time to just have fun before I start the fall semester. I don't begrudge all that is on my plate right now because it has purpose in my life and it is something that a few years ago I didn't think I would ever get to do. There is still alot ahead of us, but I think that we will be a little more prepared. At least I know in a couple of weeks I won't be doing much because my husband and I are going away to celebrate our anniversary and the house and homework will have to wait, because we are important too. Well that is all I have for today, I am off to do math before I begin preparing dinner.

The Hardest Decision I Ever Made

In August of 1982 I placed my birthson in the arms of another family, trusting that they would raise him with love and good morals. As I placed my son into his new mothers arms I looked at both the mother and father and I said, love him. I then walked away and got into the car with my mom and cried, wondering if I would ever see him again. Over the years I thought of him often, wondering what his life was like, if he was happy, if he had everything that he needed, did he feel loved, how it was affecting him knowing that I had placed him up for adoption. If I had it over to do again would I, knowing what I know now, no I wouldn't I would raise him myself. It was good for him but it has been really hard on me. I wish I could of shared the love I have for him with him. I know that it was the right decision at the time, but you don't realize how it is going to affect you for the rest of your life.

I have been blessed to have made contact with my birthson whose name is Russ and we have communicated through email, FB and Myspace, but that is only two dimensional and I desire a three dimensional relationship, but he isn't ready and I accept that. He is pro adoption now because he realizes that I chose life for him. He has had a good life with bumps in the road like the rest of us, when I saw a picture of him for the first time I couldn't believe how much he looks like me.

Even though I didn't raise him, I miss him and I think only a mother who has placed a child up for adoption can understand exactly what I mean. I am so thankful to know that he is happy and healthy and is having a good life. Do I agree with everything in his life, no, but he is an adult and has the right to choose and I do need to respect that.

I believe that adoption is hard, but it is the best thing that you can do for a life growing inside of you instead of ending that life. I am glad that I gave Russ the chance to live and love life.

I don't think I will ever make a decision that is any harder than chooing to allow someone else to raise my child.

Pottery

One of my favorite things to use as accent pieces in my home is pottery. Pottery of all types and colors. We took our living room to a very nuetral pallette so that we could add color through the accent pieces. I have used green, blue, gold, several shades of brown and terra cotta. There is a plant shelf in my livingroom and instead of putting plants or pictures my is full of pottery. My favorite coffee mug is a piece of pottery that friends of mine gave me for my 50th birthday. Whenever we sell this house and move in a couple of years I am not sure what I will do with all of my pottery pieces, but I am sure that I will come up with something. Whenever we travel we look for new pieces to add to our collections. I love pieces made by American Indians with all of their traditional artwork and colors incorporated. I don't own the pieces that are on this blog, but I sure would like to, they would work in the grand scheme of things. My daughter would love to learn to make pottery, she is always on the lookout for a potters wheel and a kiln, hopefully one day I will be displaying the pieces that she has made. As I am sitting here blogging about my love for pottery I really have no idea where that love has come from, maybe my heritage or maybe one day a piece just caught my eye and well as they say the rest is history. I am sure when we open our Deli we will proudly display a few pieces.

Purses

I love purses and if I could I would buy a new purse every week. My favorite is a Coach, but even with that I only like certain Coach purses, then I like Kate Spade, Louis Vuitton, Prada and of course Dooney & Burke and then there are those that I don't even know the name of the designer, but I love the style of the purse. I would prefer to have a purse to match each outfit that I wear. I own more black purses than any other color, because black will go with anything. Last summer I bought a bright yellow purse and I carried it until i wore it out and had to throwit away. I have a few purses (backpack styl) that I bought when I lived in New York and I carry them when I go to visit and am going to be walking around the city, it makes things much easier. When I go to the city I try to buy at least 2 purses and more if possible, I carry them for a while and then give them away. My purses are all shapes and sizes, I carry a small purse if we go out somewhere at night. My least favorite color for a purse is red and I don't own a single red purse. My next purse will be a Kathy Van Zeeland, I haven't decided what color it is going to be, but I know that it will be faily large to accomodate all the things that I like to carry. I like to have wallets to match, but I don't always do that because I get tired of changing the contents from one wallet to another, but it is time for a new one, one that will hold pictures and my checkbook as well. I like to buy purses as gifts if I really know the style of someone. I do have a limit on how much I will spend on one, but that is for me to know and not share. One of the nice things about purses is that you can keep all of your necessities in them and then add snacks for your kids or grandkids. I think that this is enough about purses for one day, what do you think.

Drown Your Sorrows

I use to live my life trying to drown my sorrows, either through alcohol or drugs, trying to run from my problems, only to discover that I was creating more problems. I faced some really hard challenges in my life that created a lot of pain. I didn't trust anyone, because one of the people in my life that should have kept me safe, someone that I should have been able to trust, turned my world upside down and so I didn't want to feel the pain, so over time I ended up doing drugs and drinking. So instead of drowning my sorrows, the sorrows started piling up on one another. I created so many other problems and my family suffered from the choices that I was making trying to run from the problems that others had created for me. I am so glad to not feel like I have to drown my sorrows any longer. There are so many people out there who are trying to drown their sorrows one drink at a time, which turns into one bottle at a time or one pill at a time, not realizing they are destroying their lives, their health and those that are around them.

It has been 25 years since I have lived my life this way. I have experienced so much healing in my life now, that I face my problems head on.

A Belief That I Have Discarded

For years I was under the delusion that in order to serve God that you had to go to an organized church, that to truly serve God you had to be in church Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night and just about any other time the church doors were open. With this mind set I just about wore myself completly out. Not only was I in church all the time, but because I was on staff I had to be at staff meeting and any other meeting that came up and then one day I read a book by George Barna and another man called "Pagan Christianity" and then I read "The Shack" by Wm P Young and then another book followed called, "So YOu Don't Want To Go To Church Anymore" by Wayne Jacobsen and all of the sudden a light bulb went off so to speak and I relized that I was caught up in religion instead of relationship, that I was so busy about doing work for God, that God was getting left behind, so my husband and I talked and made the decision to leave the world of organized church and to begin pursuing a real intimate relationship with God. Now you may be asking how is that working for you and my answer is, it is working amazingly well. I have more freedom than I had ever experienced in church, I have a deeper more meaningful relationship with God and as a direct result of that I have deeper relationships with my family and my friends. I understand more what it means to be blessed, I understand more the price that Christ paid for me. I have experienced more opportunities to share my relationship with God than I ever did in organized church. I am being the church like Christ intended instead of going to a church built by the hands of man. I know that organized church has it's place, it had it's place in my life at one point, but it is not where I belong at this junction in my life. I belong right where I am at. It is amzing the turns my relationships with people have taken, it was painful at first when people walked out of my life when they couldn't get anything from me any longer, they couldn't ride on my coat tails, it was time for them to stand on their own two feet and not on mine. I love my life and I love God.